The fear of loathing

I sit here reading through all of the political jumbo and can't help myself feeling a lot more political than I would have ever imagined. Today the majority of the nation is walking on edge, for the greatest fear is that one's respective candidate will lose the upcoming election. We wait on this day with an uneasy anticipation, it baffles me how anybody could be excited for a day like this. As the day grows shorter one can almost feel the rise of civil unrest. We wait four years to elect officials that are seeking this venture as a career choice. A rise in the status of a major corporation which our country is becoming. Money is what runs this country and it seems that we have evolved into people that will only follow the wealthy. I guess they found their niche and found a way to become super wealthy and keep up their "integrity" in the process. Along with any major business/corporation one must have a cut throat personality to rise to the very top. There are very few people who choose not to advance themselves, because they fear they will have to sacrifice their moral codes. It's sad to me because these are the people that could make the real difference. Instead we have let our nation become a money mongering beast. A place where the ruthless flourish and the truly great ideas are forgotten because of selfish endeavors.

"Not everybody is comfortable with the idea that politics is a guilty addiction. But it is. They are addicts, and they are guilty and they do lie and cheat and steal--like all junkies. And when they get in a frenzy, they will sacrifice anything and everybody to feed their cruel stupid habit, and there is no cure for it. That is addictive thinking. That is politics--especially in presidential campaigns. That is when addicts seize the high ground. They care about nothing else. They are salmon, and they must spawn. They are addicts."--Hunter S. Thompson

An Asheville Dream

I wonder when it happened for you? I sit alone in a crowded room with what seems to be a dark spotlight around me, while the rest of the room glows with a radiant yellow. I wish that you would please just open up and tell me your secrets. I crave to understand why you decided to live the way that you do. You look into my eyes as if already understanding my soul. I feel as if I am sitting in front of you naked in my adolescence and vulnerable in every sense of the word. I stand up and float across the room leaving a trace of empathy in my wake. I approach the spirit of the night and feel it run through my veins as it warms up my body in all the right ways. I feel your glances resting upon my back as if they were your longing arms yearning to wrap around, trying to hold me close. You stand across the room from me with no intentions to follow through. I look into a living room full of eager and youthful souls all being artists in their own medium. It's almost to much to handle, as the night dances around with no rhythm or rhyme just like the stories that I am so eager to write out. 

I slide open the door to the towering trees above and immediately am calmed by the vastness that I am surrounded by everyday. I take a deep breathe of the crisp air and feel the precipitation resting in my lungs. The night is clear with a calm breeze rolling over the tops of the trees. The stars seem to be hiding on this night giving off a dull glare as if you had just got done rubbing your eyes. The moon though is bragging, giving the sun a run for it's money with the light it is casting down on me. The trees help me escape from my worries and struggles. They stand there reminding me of my brothers that can only be compared to this organic portrait of life. A sudden growth in our lives that was nourished by literature and a new understanding of the earth. The time for myself and this canvas that is laid out in front of me is almost at an end, it whispers goodbye to me as I convince myself that I will hold on to this night, never to be forgotten.

The door slides open with a backdrop of laughter and music interrupting silence that was wrapping around me. You look at me and just your body posture alone is asking me the questions that your so afraid to speak. You forgot to close the door behind you so the music is breaking up what would have been a powerful silence. Why do I put myself through this? I long to be a romantic but lack the understanding of what that truly means. I quickly gather myself and rise to my feet not yet ready to share this night with anyone else. I follow you inside and the night remains alive with grinning faces and feet beating up the floor to the music that is blaring from all around. It's time to say good night for now. It's time to close this door behind me and await the big mistake that lays waiting for me just around the corner. 

Returning to the place I once called home

On my way back to the Blue Ridge mountains, to that special city tucked away from the rural decay that is happening everywhere else. A city that I spent a summer of my youth figuring out who I was. I am headed back there with my eyes and mind wide open. It's time to relive the beautiful memories of this place while creating new ones in new places. A rush of excitement is coursing through my veins. I remember the first time I met all those great people. I witnessed two friends in their prime of love getting ready to take their vows in a few short months. They loved each other so fiercely but still knew how to live their lives amongst their good friends. Over the years they welcomed me into their homes with nothing but pure intentions. They have now brought a beautiful baby girl into this world, what exciting times they have ahead of them. I cannot wait to see how they all grow together with such a loving base of family and friends around them. This city is pretty great.

I go back to the time when we all first sat around a fire in Weaverville with a fancy Aristocrat sitting in the middle of all of us. He seemed to be the life of the evening in those times, I wouldn't have spent them any other way. We all looked around at each other knowing the times that were ahead of us were going to be monumental. We tried not to focus on the future but instead just enjoying the now. It was a hard discipline to master but once you do it really can set you free. The fire burned down to nothing but embers until the present seemed to be turning into the relatively close past, but past none the less. It's that time to cherish and hold onto those people who helped me through a summer of change. That house was full of Pinatas, Ping Pong balls, smiles and laughter that will never be to far from my thoughts. I'll never live in that home again. Remember to live in the now. 

I now reminisce upon the memories of the people who are the reason for me returning to this wonderful place. I sat on their couch in their living room, which seemed to have a natural glowing orange background if my eyes didn't deceive me. He was so eager to let us into his life. He spoke with such passion about music, nature and the love for his city. She walked in through the door into her home not expecting company that she did not know. In that time I would have been caught off guard if I were her but  she was unfazed and excited to introduce herself. It was clear that the dynamic these two people shared was unique and unmatched. At first knowing their age and experiences made me a little insecure about what I could bring to the table, but that was quickly erased by their eagerness to hear stories of our past and what the future may hold for us. Now I sit here two and a half years later and think about this friendship that has flourished under the sun. From show to show, beach to beach, brewery to brewery we have shared the same zest for life, to live it while we can. The wedding day is upon us and what a celebration of love it will be. People gathering under the stars for the soul purpose of sharing those special smiles that will be washing over everyone's faces. It's time to tie those two lives together. What a wonderful journey you guys will share with each other and those who are lucky enough to live around you.

It's time to go back to Asheville.

Power of Imagination

That song got me thinking of you again. What this song truly portrays is an ability to escape with a few unnoticed footsteps. It's funny to think about? Remember that one night it was only us under the stars? It is so hard to understand why things have gone this way. I am not going to lie you have had me scared  in a way that is unknown to me. All I know is the chills that are traveling through my entire body are instructed by only you.

I remember a time now spent all alone by the ocean side. Standing barefoot  as the ocean swam over my feet while the sunset turned the water to an electric blood red. It reminds me of all my friends that have been robbed of longer lives. The song continues to play. I recall a not to distant night spent anticipating you. My imagination was captivated and taken to a place that only you could create. It is so sensual living in a world that you molded with your own hands entirely for me. My feet carry me further into the water until the waves are splashing all around my waist. It seems that my intentions are misunderstood daily because of my inability to let people in. What's reassuring is that you grasp the method to my unrelenting mind that only my father can truly understand.

The song is now at the climax swimming through my veins providing nutrients for my soul. "So selfish  then will be their cry and who'd be brave to argue, doing what two people need is never on the menu." I am now fully submerged kicking around underneath this golden ocean. Currents pulling my body in every which way only by your design. The chaos that is all around me is slowly conducted by my memories of you. I hold my breath and sink down so that I am sitting on the sand leading to the depths of the ocean. How am I suppose to believe that this is real? Time is spent contemplating whether I have dreamt this up or do you really know who you are?

The song has come to it's conclusion. I swim to the surface and take a cleansing breath of the ocean air. I sit down on the sand as the sun finally sinks over what seems to be a never ending horizon. The water is now a midnight blue as the breeze wraps around me like a natural blanket drying off my body. Do you remember that night I watched the sunset thinking about you? It's probably better that you don't. I lay on my back and look at a starless night. It's to late for all of that. I left but I am already lost. It's time to retire my thoughts and hit the repeat button.

Tidal Goodbyes

The sky is boasting its solid blues, while the sun sits in the middle of her as a light yellow layer of pollen swims through the breeze creating a unique blanket in the sky. It seems to be that time of year again in the mountains in which I live. The wind rolls through this town bringing life to the mountains as the trees give life to new seedlings. The heat in this town is a refreshing change of pace from the bitter winters which envelops this land. It seems though that the tides are beginning to change. They are rising fast and bringing change with them whether I am ready for them or not.

It seems to be a season of want for everyone I am around including myself. People have their goals and their own aspirations for what they want out of life. How can I not be in the same boat? We travel and we share our dreams of our perfect lives. How great it would be to share that with someone. The simplicity of our lifestyle is so attractive to keep pursuing, but how long can one thought process really last? Is it realistic to not search for more in your life? This thought haunts me as time passes by. I come to a new realization almost everyday about what I believe and where I should be going. I need to find some kind of constant which I can rely upon as much as it relies on me. What that looks like I don't know but I know that some kind of rapid change is in store.

For some reason my heart is racing in this town. It has begun to feel a little unsettling as the face of this town is changing. Saying goodbye to people I love has become a constant. Whether they are moving across the country or the definition of friendships has changed. It seems to be an uphill battle to keep things the same. So one is forced to just let go and get swept away with the current. I am washed away as those I love find security in the sandy shores of this river. I have no bearing for the end but I am floating down it none the less. I am happy that all of them have found their feet upon those constant shores. I smile with tears of goodbyes in my eyes.

The blackness that now covers this town is radiating with a glowing moon which is set off by a shower of glistening stars. The air is silent as it sits with us on the porch giving off a cool evening. The tops of the trees are alive with light washing all over them. They tower over the rooftops sheltering us from the dust which desperately wants to sink into our skin as we grow older. Let's stay innocent in our youth so that we never have to learn to say goodbye.        

Clockwork

A year has passed in this town that I have stumbled upon through chance, fate or faith. Whichever one you choose to believe in I am still here none the less. I have seen stars in different ways and sunsets with new and perfect colors. I have grown into a natural world with some beautiful people. I have walked the New York streets at dawn with a cool calm mist sprinkling down on me while I so desperately was desiring my hotel bed. I have biked the streets of San Clemente to see a full moon bringing powerful tides to the western coast. The times that a year can bring us and the relationships that it can fuel is an unrelenting current that I am constantly swept into.

I can see the heat from both of our mouths escaping into the frigid midnight air as we sat on the front step of my home. I have to leave tomorrow and you got school, but we both brave the coldness just to talk for hours filled with laughter and excitement about the possibilities that the future has in store. I sit across from Garrison as he laughs about a night we had on top of a roof underneath a golden moon. He sat around a fire as the stars above him were constantly moving across the sky like an electronic nite brite. He was Clark and I was Lewis braving the great unknown in search of the Pacific. I won the sweepstakes as he saw himself as an old man in the mirror. Yet, through everything we have been through we were rocked to sleep by the shadows running across the walls of our room in that Weaverville home.

Looking down at the lights of Victorville while we pace back and forth across the deck filled with a knowledge of special times and good friendships. It seems that this night is filled with both. We stroll back into a room coated with silver people playing with blocks getting ready to tumble down if someone with an unsteady hand delivers a rough touch. What passionate feelings I have for everyone in this room. A love that is unexplained but everyone feels. Brad is talking up a storm as is customary when surrounded by so many interesting people. He is overwhelmed by the stimulating events that are happening all around him. The night continues on and I just can't sit still. I have to be up moving around hoping someone can meet my frantic pace that has enveloped me on this silver night, or is it platinum? Whatever the color is, it has caught my eye. I roll over into the kitchen to see three good friends laughing in a common way. They have some pink cats in their hands. Laughter ensues. We all make our way to the patio where we soak our bodies while the sun peaks up over the mountain tops. A breath of life swims into our souls as Brad glows in the sunlight as it slowly moves closer to us across the water. A night has come and gone.

We still haven't fully settled into this town. We were still living on the high of being in a new town not fully tied down to any serious commitments. The wood stove is burning, heating up our uninsulated home. We sat at a round table across from each other with some tea just remembering. We believe in a "great rememberer" as our conversation was recorded on a hidden computer. Jackson is speaking so I must listen. He speaks with a degree of english behind him. His art is his words and his weapon if he so chooses. He remembers a night of music in a city that never sleeps. We sat atop a roof with colored lights looking down upon the masses. A sweet little blonde captured my eye and down the stairs I went. Jack just walked right by me and it was no longer the masses but me that he was watching, dissecting my every action. Down to the lower level we go now surrounded by an ocean of people swaying to a growling wildcat over the speakers. A sea of life being seduced by a rhythm guitar as the angles just smiled down upon all of us. Jackson, the seeker of understanding and good times moves with simple beauty controlled by the goddess of desire. He is the gate keeper refusing entrance to the train of freedom to those sweet innocent souls. You shall not pass.

He speaks to me with such love. He is nearly crying as he spills his desires and dreams for my life. He has seen the birth of his first child and now has to be a man even if he doesn't want too. He has strong love for everyone in his life. Kyle hands Ansley over to me and a massive rush of indescribable emotions runs through my body. I look down at her squinting eyes and all I can do is laugh as tears roll down my face. My brother. A man who watched me grow up with a secret love that he could only express in his own ways. A man who protected me in the green way of our once Oregon home. He has given life to a beautiful little girl. I rock her back and forth wanting her to know me. She exhales against my chest. I love her. One day she will love me too. I never want to say goodbye. My brother hugs me goodbye and I can feel in his arms a longing for home. He looks at me with nervous eyes as we bid each other farewell once again. He looks at me with concern. He prays that I will grow up the way I was raised. I love him for that.

It seems as if the hour hand is moving faster than the minute hand.